Doing my part does not mean accepting everything

"I did everything for this relationship."

We may say this after years of effort. We have forgiven, supported, given time, proposed solutions and accepted things we would never have imagined enduring. In our eyes, the case is clear: if the couple is doing badly, the problem now lies entirely with the other person.

Our partner may nevertheless answer:

"You did a lot, but not what I was asking of you."

Sometimes this answer is unfair. The other person constantly moves the goalposts, minimizes our efforts or demands what was not part of our commitment. Sometimes, too, it reveals something that the sheer quantity of our giving prevented us from seeing: we gave a great deal in the areas where we were comfortable and changed little in the one that was actually causing suffering.

Doing our part means neither declaring ourselves beyond reproach because we have given a great deal, nor accepting every demand to avoid being accused of not loving.

It means honestly reviewing our commitments, the reproaches clearly expressed, the consequences of our habits and the way our conduct serves the proper functioning of the couple.

This review must be able to produce three responses: correcting what depends on us, confirming what we have done correctly and saying no to what threatens one of the partners or the relationship.

The quantity of our efforts does not answer every question

We can draw up a long list of what we do: work, organize, accompany, finance, reassure, forgive, prepare and sustain the relationship during difficult periods.

This contribution deserves to be recognized. It must not disappear as soon as a fault is named.

But a large quantity in one area does not automatically offset destructive behavior in another. We can take on almost all the material responsibilities and speak with contempt. We can be very available and use the other person's confidences during arguments. We can offer a great deal of pleasure and remain incapable of keeping an essential promise.

A couple does not count only the gestures. It looks at what they produce and what certain habits take away.

Saying "I already do an enormous amount" can be both a truth and a defense. The truth protects our worth against a global accusation. The defense sometimes keeps us from examining the precise point the other person is trying to make visible.

We must be able to isolate the question: among everything I bring, which behavior is really at issue?

A positive quality does not need to appear in court when we are examining a fault. And a fault must not use our positive qualities as an alibi.

Commitments give a first measure of our part

We cannot evaluate our contribution without knowing what we had decided to build.

A relationship has expectations that are sometimes explicit: fidelity to certain agreements, respect, participation in projects, support in defined areas or the way common decisions are made. Other expectations appear with life and must be discussed.

Doing our part begins by honoring the commitments we freely made.

If we claim all the rights of the relationship but treat every duty as an attempt at control, our freedom rests on the other person's efforts. If we keep our word only when it suits us, the couple cannot know what to count on.

But commitment does not mean carrying out every desire of the partner.

A request may be foreign to what we agreed, put our dignity in danger or directly harm the relationship. We can examine it, seek an adaptation and say no if it destroys more than it builds.

Our part is committed to the couple and its proper functioning, not to every whim that the other person turns into proof of love.

A hidden expectation also engages the other person's responsibility

Our partner may suffer from a lack without ever having expressed it clearly. He or she waits for us to guess, interprets our ignorance as indifference and accumulates resentment.

This suffering deserves to be heard. But we are not responsible for indefinitely passing an exam whose questions remain secret.

The person who waits also has a part: making the need understandable, explaining what is missing and leaving a possibility of responding to it. He or she must accept that our response may be different from the one imagined or that the request may be discussed.

"If you loved me, you would know" gives silence the function of a trap.

We can learn to know the other person better and notice certain needs without their being formulated every time. This attentiveness is part of closeness. But knowledge is never perfect, and an old image can prevent us from seeing that the expectations have changed.

When the other person durably conceals what matters, his or her responsibility is engaged. When he or she has explained several times with precision and we refuse to listen because the correction bothers us, ours becomes clearer.

Communication does not guarantee agreement. It at least makes it possible to know what each person is really choosing.

Repeated reproaches deserve an examination, not a condemnation

A reproach is not automatically true because it comes back often. Our partner may repeat an unfair interpretation, seek to mold us to his or her advantage or call a boundary that frustrates him or her a fault.

But repetition also forbids us from claiming that we had never heard.

We can ask for precise facts. When does the behavior appear? What does it produce? What expectation had been expressed? Does the rule being demanded also apply to the other person? What change would make it possible to see a real improvement?

This precision protects both people.

It keeps the person receiving the reproach from having to defend his or her entire identity. It obliges the person formulating it to move beyond general labels: "You're selfish," "you don't love me," "you're always irresponsible."

We can then discover a habit to correct, a form to improve or an accusation that the facts do not confirm.

Doing our part means accepting this review without assuming that self-reflection necessarily means admitting the other person is right.

The consequences in our own life also speak

Some faults are not mainly pointed out by our partner. Their consequences appear in our life.

We continually postpone, make decisions under emotion, promise more than we can keep or refuse to organize what depends on us. We then bear the stress of emergencies, the loss of credibility or the repetition of the same difficulties.

Even if the other person says nothing, these consequences give us information.

A behavior can make us suffer directly, then indirectly reach the couple. Our disorganization obliges the partner to take back certain tasks. Our refusal to look at a difficulty reduces the possible projects. Our way of spending weakens a shared security.

We must not wait for every fault to become a marital reproach before taking it seriously.

Our self-respect also asks us to look at what diminishes our potential, our pride and our capacity to bring a stable value. We do not improve only to satisfy the other person. We do it because we must be equal to the life we ourselves want to build.

The relationship then benefits from progress that does not depend entirely on its validation.

Loved ones can point out a repetition without deciding in our place

It happens that several trusted people notice the same habit. They see our way of cutting people off, of neglecting certain consequences or of turning every disagreement into a general conflict.

Their view can bring an external reference to the logic of the couple. What we called an isolated reproach perhaps also appears elsewhere.

But the number of people who agree is not enough to create a truth.

A milieu can share the same prejudice. Loved ones may know only part of the story, protect their own interest or apply their own rules to a different relationship. We must return to the facts, the consequences and the real commitments.

The outside view serves to open a review, not to hand down a verdict in our place.

If our partner and several people point out the same conduct, we have an interest in observing it honestly. If the facts show that the criticism mainly targets our autonomy or a difference that destroys nothing, we can confirm our choice without despising those who do not understand it.

Doing one's part requires remaining open to information without becoming governed by every opinion.

Loving, respecting and listening are not decorative words

We can claim to love while leaving that feeling without a recognizable form.

Doing our part means translating love into behaviors: treating the other person as someone whose happiness matters, protecting his or her dignity during conflicts and learning what really allows him or her to receive our affection.

Respecting does not mean approving every choice. It means refusing contempt, humiliation and the use of the other person's vulnerability as a way to win.

Listening does not mean obeying. It means letting our partner's experience enter the file before deciding what we think of it.

Assisting and being supportive do not mean solving everything in the other person's place. They mean participating according to the agreement, our possibilities and the value the project holds for the couple.

Kindness does not mean avoiding every difficult word. It seeks a way of telling the truth that still protects the possibility of understanding.

These principles remain useless if they serve only to describe the image we have of ourselves. Our part is seen in what the other person and the relationship can really receive.

Doing a lot and responding to the need are not the same measure

We can invest immense energy in what we think is useful and leave a central need unanswered. That does not make our efforts nonexistent. It asks us to look at whether their destination corresponds to what the relationship really required.

Let us imagine that we take on all the practical tasks while our partner asks to participate and to be listened to. Our effort can produce convenience and take away a place from him or her. Conversely, we can be very available in words and not keep a concrete agreement. The two situations call for a different correction.

The assessment of our part must therefore name the commitments, the effects received, the means and the boundaries. It can confirm that we have already done what reasonably depended on us. Its function is not to find a new fault every time the couple is not doing better. Self-respect precisely makes it possible to correct a method without accepting an unlimited mission: producing alone the other person's will and contribution.

Saying no can be part of our contribution

We are sometimes afraid that a refusal proves we are not doing our part.

Our partner wants a costly project, an availability we cannot maintain or a decision that mainly benefits his or her interest. We accept to show our love, then pay the cost in silence. Resentment grows and the couple discovers too late that our yes was not livable.

A no can protect more.

It can prevent one of the partners from abandoning himself or herself. It can protect resources intended for a common goal. It can make visible a boundary that the relationship needed to know before committing further.

But the refusal must also be examined. Are we saying no because the request really threatens something important, or because any adaptation bothers us? Have we explained the cost? Have we looked for another form? Does the rule we invoke also protect the other person when it is applied to us?

Doing one's part does not consist in saying yes. It consists in participating honestly in the search for what serves both people and the shared reality.

Sometimes our best contribution will be a boundary.

The couple does not need our permanent sacrifice

We can make ourselves indispensable by carrying everything. We anticipate, repair, give in and take the first step. This position sometimes gives us an immediate reward: we feel useful, morally beyond reproach or certain that the relationship will not collapse today.

But it can teach the other person that he or she does not need to participate.

Permanent sacrifice does not always prove that we are doing our part. It can show that we are also doing the other person's part, then using our exhaustion as proof that no one loves us enough.

We must learn to leave certain responsibilities to their author.

If our partner has hurt us, he or she must be able to acknowledge it and make amends. If an expectation belongs to him or her, he or she must make it understandable. If a contribution was promised, we must not secretly produce it in his or her place while continuing to talk about a shared project.

Refusing to carry both parts can create discomfort. This immediate cost is sometimes necessary to obtain true information about the other person's will.

Our love must not protect someone from any encounter with his or her own responsibilities.

Doing our part does not buy the result

We can love correctly, listen, correct ourselves and keep our commitments without obtaining the relationship we want.

Our partner remains free to respond, to change, to acknowledge or to refuse. We cannot turn our good conduct into a right over his or her will.

This boundary is difficult. After making efforts, we want to believe that the couple owes us an improvement. If it does not come, we add more, thinking that quantity will eventually force the result.

Doing our part does not mean guaranteeing success. It means producing what depends on us, observing what the other person chooses and deciding from the complete reality.

We can confirm that we have acted correctly and acknowledge that reciprocity no longer exists enough. We can also discover that certain efforts were not reaching the real problem and that an adaptation remains possible.

In both cases, our worth does not depend on the final verdict of the relationship.

Our part makes us responsible, not all-powerful.

There is a limit to the improvement being demanded

A relationship can become a permanent construction site in which only one person must always change.

Barely has one effort been accomplished when a new inadequacy appears. No progress is recognized. Our partner presents himself or herself as the constant measure of what we should become, without accepting the same examination.

Self-reflection then loses its function. It no longer serves our potential or the couple; it organizes our feeling of always being behind the love expected.

We can ask for reciprocity in the process.

What does the other person examine in his or her own conduct? What visible efforts does the other person make? Do the demands seek a better shared functioning or only a person who is easier to use?

We must not refuse a fair criticism just because the other person also has faults. But we do not have to accept a system in which his or her supposed perfection gives him or her all the rights and our imperfections all the duties.

Doing our part includes the courage to say: "Here is what I acknowledge. Here is what I am going to improve. And here is what does not belong to me."

Checking with facts rather than with an identity

We can believe ourselves generous, attentive or responsible. These positive qualities may exist. To know whether they live in the relationship, let us look for facts.

Which promises have we kept? Which important reproaches have we really examined? What have we changed after understanding a consequence? In which areas can our partner cite a stable value received from us?

Let us also look at the boundaries: what have we said no to, and what have we protected by that refusal? Have we explained our decision? Have we remained consistent when the same rule had to apply to us?

This review does not produce a general grade. It separates the areas.

We can have done our part correctly on one project and lack listening in another. We can be materially reliable and need to improve our way of speaking. We can also have made a great deal of progress while the other person continues to tell only our old version.

Facts allow us to correct without condemning ourselves and to confirm without becoming blind.

Responsibility makes our part more precise

Doing our part does not mean giving everything, accepting everything or repairing everything.

It means honoring what we have chosen, listening to what is really expressed, examining the consequences of our habits and protecting the couple against demands that threaten it. It also means leaving the other person the responsibility to speak, to contribute and to treat the value received correctly.

We must not hide behind our efforts to avoid a priority fault. Nor must we use an acknowledged fault to accept a life in which none of our boundaries counts.

Our partner can be right about a behavior and wrong about the solution he or she demands. We can have to correct ourselves and still maintain a no. These truths do not cancel each other out.

A responsible relational part is neither small nor total. It corresponds exactly to what our word, our conduct and our power to act place in our hands.

Doing less would be abandoning our responsibility. Doing both parts would be abandoning reality.

The questions that check my part without asking me to carry everything

Which precise reproach am I still covering up with the quantity of everything I have already given?

What immediate benefit do I get from the role of the person who carries everything, always gives in or believes himself or herself beyond reproach?

What does it cost me today, and what will it cost me tomorrow, to confuse contribution, sacrifice and acceptance of all the other person's desires?

Which commitment or fault really belongs to me, and which hidden expectation or absence of effort must I return to the responsibility of my partner?

Which yes, which no or which correction would allow me to do my part while protecting my dignity and the proper functioning of the couple?